The Plan

The answer, of course, is Talk Radio.

I know that the Internet doesn’t make people stupid, and I know that there aren’t a higher percentage of stupid people on the Internet than there are in the general population. Unfortunately, one of the things that the Internet does do is embolden the Stupid to express themselves on topics where they would normally be silenced by some primitive limbic shame.

You can generally assume that whatever it is they’re trying to dribble into your favorite forum, message board, mailing list or chatroom is going to be offensively dumb - but I often find myself so enraged by the ignorant fluff surrounding their ‘point’ that I never actually get to it. When I run across one of these classic idiocies, I don’t worry about the state of our country, I weep for the fucking species.

who cares?

Any discussion of any pop-culture or current events question (i.e. ‘Who killed Dumbledore?’, ‘What did Michael Bay say about Starscream?’, ‘How many fucking Koreas are there?’) will see this one eventually. It’s meant to say ‘you’re dumb for being interested,’ but it invariably comes across as the kind of petulant whining one usually only hears from fourth graders and Puritans.*

Who cares? The other 500 people posting in the forum, fucktard.

Twisters

Twisters are really irritating because they tend to show up in discussions that show signs of intelligent debate, and then fuck everything up. In a nutshell, they take either the topic at hand or a specific comment made by someone else and twist it. Understand, we aren’t talking about your standard strawman nonsense. These cats throw out responses so mind-bogglingly incoherent and/or unrelated that it’s a wonder that their brain stems don’t just give up and spontaneously pop out of their heads:

MisterBoppo: I don’t see how we can afford to keep fighting without a major tax increase.

Guff: Tax increase!?!?!?! I didn’t hear you bitching about taxes when I had that bear in my yard!!!! And the children!!! Haven’t they been molested enough??? LEAVE MY TAXES ALONE YOU CHILD MOLESTING BEAR LOVING SON OF A BITCH!!

MisterBoppo: *dies*

The Lazy Angry Stupid ‘Expert’

I realize that name, poetic though it may be, doesn’t necessarily conjure up the same strong image for you that it does for me. The game here is to make a bunch of deductions about whatever the topic is and come up with a conclusion, completely ignoring the fact that you don’t know what you’re talking about AND could have learned exactly how wrong you were had you spent ten fucking seconds on Google. Imagine that you’re reading a page about the Segway, for instance, and you see something like this:

“I’m no engineer, but I bet you could get the same kind of performance if you just strapped a couple of babies to your feet, doused them in kerosene, and fired ‘em up. Segway sucks. First post!”

How could you not destroy something beautiful?

——

* I don’t mean that figuratively; I’m referring to actual Puritans, the whiny little bitches. First it’s “Waaah, we’re being persecuted, we can’t worship freely,” then it’s “Waaah, they’re trying to worship freely” and finally it’s “Waaah, witches are hard to burn.” Every damn time.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 9th, 2006 at 12:56 pm and is filed under People. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.